March 22nd, 2008 Posted in Random Health | 2 Comments »
A lot of folks are concerned about how to lose weight (and fat) and how to then stay that way, but there is a segment of the population that wishes to gain weight (not just muscle, but fat) and are interested in knowing the steps to take in order to not lose any of that precious fat that has been gained, joyfully and over time.
Having been in both boats I have decided to give you my advice. I have been a Nutritionist after all. I’ve been thin and I’ve been fat. And there is nothing wrong with that.
So first let’s talk about how to gain weight, and fat.
In order to gain that fat you must start to eat more fatty foods. Avoid lean ground beef and stick with the regular. And don’t cut down on the portions. Smother it with gravy, add that butter to your mashed potatoes, and enjoy lots of deserts, especially the sugary ones. Avoid that aspartame! It’s a killer!
I would also recommend a job where you would be mostly sitting during the day. Drinking lots of liquor like vodka is also encouraged as most of that gets turned into glucose, glycogen, and once your liver is full of glycogen your alcohol will then be converted into fat and stored in various visible areas on your body. A sight to behold!
Lots of junk food is also in order. Once you follow these instructions for a few months you will be at your fat target.
Ok, now that you are fat there are various dangers you should avoid in order not to lose that fat and weight.
I’m going to list them here in no sort of order, but follow all of them as best you can, else the consequences are dire:
1. Avoid getting an apartment that requires you to climb any stairs. Or always take the elevator. Stair climbing can lead to loss of fat.
2. Avoid all exercise, especially walking, as the slow type of exercise will activate the “slow twitch” muscles and burn fat, instead of sugar. So avoid walking, slow cycling and the like.
3. Make sure that when watching TV you snack a lot. That keeps the fat in balance, you may even be able to gain some more.
4. Do NOT get a pet, like a dog. They will want you to walk them, even run with them, on occasion. That can lead to weight loss.
5. If you are interested in sports then play Golf, and bring some beer with you, or drink lots of it before the game. That will ensure you do not lose any fat, you may even gain some.
6. Do NOT eat at Subway’s! But if you do get the urge? Add lots of Mayo, avoid the lettuce and most veggies.
7. When drinking make sure you have lots of snacks, so that you don’t get too drunk and unable to eat more snacks. That will help to keep that fat on.
8. Avoid cleaning your place too much. That takes slow, active, work and may burn off some fat. That is undesirable. But if you insist? Make sure you drink some beer or vodka or whatever your favorite alcoholic beverage is.
9. Never take enzymes with your meals! That may lead to weight loss!
10. Do not take such nutrients as blue-green algae! What you need is fat, not nutrients!
11. Instead of walking to the liquor store take a taxi.
12. Get a divorce or do something else terrible that will put you in a depressed state and then compensate by eating lots of fatty and sugary foods.
13. If you are single? Stay that way. And be celibate. That way you won’t have to worry about looking “nice” and “attractive” to the opposite sex. Being fat will keep them away like no other method can. It’s great! Oh and sexual exertion may cause heart-attack and even loss of fat, so avoid it.
14. Do not take any weight-loss products. Most contain herbs like Ma Huang and others, which will raise your blood pressure, and if you’re fat? You already have high Blood Pressure. So avoid those.
15. Stop taking sea salt. Why? Because the truth is that sea salt will allow you to lose some weight, not like what the “Authorities” report about salt in general. Extra water and some salt can actually cause you to lose weight! So avoid those and listen to the official “Authorities”. Be afraid!
16. In order to conserve your energy and fat make all movements very slow, like reaching for a beer. Don’t be fast! Make it slow, like in those Tai Chi movements you’ve seen on TV. Don’t twitch your fingers, move your feet, simply stay as slow and one pointed as you can! Fat must be preserved! Not wasted!
17. Eat as many foods that contain carbs as you can! Those get converted into fat more quickly than any other type of foods. So… lots of spaghetti! Beefaroni, and so on.
18. Eat a lot of salami, as it is made mostly of fatty parts (pork), and nitrates. The nitrates will keep you from getting those chest pains and the fatty pork will keep your fat in balance, or better!
19. For your meals always either order out so you don’t have to go out, or get those frozen dinners, like the Hungry Man kind! That will ensure minimum expenditure in your energy, thus burning no fat at all.
20. If you get the urge to exercise? Just lie down on your couch until the feeling passes. Then you’re good to go! Get a snack and watch some TV!
Ok, I may add to this list in the future. You may also contribute! All comments are welcome. You must preserve your fatness!
Note: This is not medical or health advice. But instead one persons comical, reverse psychology approach to show how healthy living is good living.
